Saturday, April 23, 2005

I've Been Sitting on this Idea ....

A few months ago at the gym, I had an idea for a line of really stupid sportswear. I was sort of unavoidably looking at the motto on the seat of the woman in front of me when I started laughing. I mean, come on -- even if you don't want to look at someone's ass, it's hard to avoid when they've got some idiotic term stretched out across it, like Juicy or Sexy Lover or whatever the hell else these skank hos choose to plaster on their posteriors.

So I thought, as long as asses are now fair game for copy, the ads cannot be far behind. It's time to introduce the female ass to the concept of truth in advertising (certain fancy pantyhoses notwithstanding). The following mottos may not be immediately seductive, but they will attract attention, and, used wisely, they won't back you into a tight spot.

13 Non-Juicy Things to Put on Your Ass

Check Out My Ass

Here's My Ass


No Hemorrhoids!

Easy Access

Heaven's Gate

Back Door Lover

My Big Fat [Greek/Cuban/African/Irish/Chinese/etc.] Ass

Your Message Here

Look Out Below!

Space For Rent

Glory Hole

Old Faithful

So whaddaya think? Would the showoffs and fashion victims who wrap their assets in slinky sweats and dopey assertions go for any of these? Or is the ass-as-billboard moment behind us?


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